John Yoo for Attorney General

AshcroftFredoYoo

Remember the good old days, when John “As the Eagle Flies” Ashcroft was the least competent Attorney General since John “Federal Prisoner” Mitchell?

Then came Alberto “I Can’t Recall” Gonzales, who made Mr. Ashcroft look like a lawyer and Mr. Mitchell look like an honest man. What he lacked in ability and character, however, he made up for in toadyism and the ability to take a punch. I guess everyone is good at something.

Despite having the staying power, subtlety, and intellectual capacity of a Viagra-laced erection (though with none of its autonomy or popularity), Mr. Bush’s Gilligan-like little-buddy was finally persuaded to jump before he was pushed.

How will Mr. Bush turn the Ashcroft-Gonzales double-whammy into a trifecta of ineptitude and sycophantism? Who could he appoint to erode the last vestiges of respectability from the Department of Justice? Michael “Katrina” Chertoff is rumored to be the replacement-of-choice; and he’d certainly fit the bill, though it is not clear that he has finished fucking up the Department of Homeland Security and may not be ready to take on a new assignment. Ted “Scaife’s Erand-Boy” Olsen’s impeccable credentials as an unprincipled, partisan whore would seem to hold him in good stead; but he is intellectually over-qualified to lead the Justice Department under Mr. Bush.

Since Harriet “We Learned All About the Constitution in Ms. Smith’s Class” Miers isn’t likely to make a comeback, my personal selection for the Attorney General post would be John “Waterboard” Yoo.

Of course, Mr. Yoo’s appointment would face pretty tough sledding in Senate confirmation hearings. Even spineless Democrats draw the line somewhere. (Caveat: this last statement has not been empirically demonstrated, only mathematically modeled.) But isn’t the timing just exquisite for a recess appointment?

What do you think of Mr. Yoo? Who would you nominate? I challenge you to propose a less talented lawyer more willing to prostitute themself to the every whim and political need of the administration.

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